I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
