what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
