Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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