I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
