I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
