david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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