i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
