dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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