"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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