Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
