Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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