Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
