An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
