if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
