well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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