ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
where does the pee come out of this thing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
