a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
