His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
