Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
