she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
