i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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