Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
