My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
