I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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