Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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