Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
