New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my poor anus
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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