you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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