I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
