I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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