Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
