I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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