If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
