The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize