If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize