As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
