i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
