we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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