My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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