No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
