guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize