Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
