I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
