Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I want to be your penis for a week.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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