I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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