The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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