I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
