Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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