I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
