PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
