I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
