I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
