awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
