I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
