if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
